Batshit Bonkers Bingo
by Slack, on August 10th, 2006
Is it just me, or is this month completely in the shitter? I mean, in the shitter, riding a porcelain skid mark down to the bowels of hell! Ok, so it’s not THAT bad, but it sure as fuck feels like it. Yes, mother, I said fuck. The adjective, was necessary. What has gone so terribly wrong you ask? Actually, I bet you’re more likely asking, “When’s this pity party gonna end?” Well, I’ll get to the first question in a minute. First I want to answer that second question with, “How about a warm cup of shut the hell up?” This is my catharsis, so either buckle up and enjoy the ride, or you can get off at the next stop. According to my map, that should be at the corner of WTF and Please Shoot Me Blvd.
Ok, onward. Ever have one of those months where all the little things are going wrong. Little things go wrong all the time, but I mean, it seems like ALL of them are going wrong. From getting grease spattered on your favorite shirt right before work to slipping the backend of your bike on a semi spirited ride on your favorite local twistie. Let’s see if I can account them all… We’ll make a game of it. We can make bingo cards… We’ll call it Batshit Bonkers Bingo!!
Ok, without further ado, here’s a list — in no particular order — of some of the little things going wrong lately.
1. Got grease on one of my favorite shirts. Eating a bratwurst in a hurry before work… I swear I’ll never let that happen again. IDIOT!
2. Forgot my wallet. Didn’t realize it till I got to work and was hungry. This on the one day this week I didn’t pack a lunch. WHOOOPIE!
3. Rhys is sick. For a little bit there we thought it was JUST ALLERGIES! Turns out, it’s full on creeping crud. So now he’s vomiting up what looks like half digested blueberry pancakes. Oh the fun.
4. Got grease on one of my OTHER favorite shirts. Guess what! I was eating a bratwurst in a hurry before work.. IDIOT!!
5. Hard reset my PDA, and now when I use the auto fill in feature on outlook to send email, while it SAYS it’s sending my cheesy love letter to my wife, it actually sends it to Scotty Car Bomb… Not that I don’t love ya, Scott… It’s just a different kind of love. ;)
6. I changed lanes right into one of those box/car/jeep looking things. Didn’t hit the fucker, but so much for having no blind spots.
7. Discovered that my distro lists in outlook are also messed up. Like the one I use for work, to send sensitive emails from. Yeah, turns out while it SAYS it’s going to my coworkers, it’s going to Kathy, Kenner, Keen, Shad and Virginia… Thank god I found out on a less than sensitive piece of email.. Can you say delete distro list?
8. Seems my new mail server has decided to go slow… So, now when I check mail at home, it constantly times out… No big deal right? BZZzzzzT! WRONG! Nothing like getting constant popups asking for your credentials while you are happily coding away.
9. Got to bed at a very indecent hour last night… Just as I started to drift off, Rhys woke up and started crying… Sounded like the little guy’s ALLERGIES were bugging him. ;)
10. Slipped the backend on my bike while riding Spanish Trail. All the wonderful rains we got recently have dusted that road pretty good. Gear!? Why would I be wearing gear? IDIOT!
11. And don’t get me started on the limbo that is my work. Feel like I’m navigating my way around in the Sahara on a pitch black night, with nothing but a jolly rancher to guide me. … Yes, I realize that makes no sense.
A common quote from me right now is “Just fucking shoot me…” Of course, I say that as a form of venting. Besides, if I actually tried, I’d probably twitch or something and just end up blowing the tip of my nose off… ;) All for now. Will update more. Or maybe I wont. Whatever.
When my dad was in high school, there was a feller that had that sort of luck. Here’s how his sob story went: He was depressed about all the crap in his life, and decided to end it all. He didn’t want his wife and kids to find him with the top of his skull blasted off, so he caught a ride out into the boonies to do the deed. He loaded a single bullet into his .38 revolver, placed the barrel to his temple, and pulled the trigger. BLAM! After the smoke cleared and he realized he was still alive, and in a great deal of pain. The bullet had apparently glanced off his skull, and exited the skin right in the middle of his forhead, leaving him with a pair of minor flesh wounds, a concussion, some hearing loss, and no more bullets. Oh, and twelve miles from town. On the hike back to town he had plenty of time to reflect on his life, and decided things weren’t as bad as he’d thought, and decided to abandon the sucide plans. He ended up living to a pretty ripe old age, although he had a coupla funky looking scars. :)
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I had a co-worker T-bone a truck that pulled out in front of him last Spring. He was wearing a half-helmet so his jaw broke after he face-planted in the driver-side window. His cartoroid was severed from the broken glass and he could have had brain damage if they hadn’t gotten him to the ER in time. They found a t-shirt that was not his, used as a turnequete, origin unknown. His only family was in New York. When he didn’t show for work, his workmates contacted his church who then scoured the city and found him. He is currently without the majority of his teeth, and has a wicked scar down the left side of his face from the ear to his chin. We all face challenges in life. I’m not saying that your personal challenges are lesser or more than others. They all seem to average out. Stay positive when you can. This too shall pass. :)
Thanks guys… I know it’s not that bad… It just feels like it. :) Yay! Worst case, I’ll grab some Bowel Detox and it’ll make all these little problems pale in comparison. ;)
Please don’t. You live too close… :D