… when you have a kid:

* 24 hours in the day strangely becomes both not enough time, and way too long at the same time.

* Words like: Boobah, Tubby Toast, Zing-zing-zing-zingbah, and Noonoo scar their way into your vocabulary never to be removed again.

* Suddenly you barely notice the screaming kids in restaurants.

* You will discover that 4 hours of sleep is plenty.

* You will desperately crave silence, but you will discover it can be a most unsettling sensation when it happens.

* Drinking alone will seem more like maintaining sanity rather than a red flag for alcoholism.

* You’ll realize you haven’t uttered the words “Lazy Sunday” in ohhhh how old is your kid?

* Remember those people in the supermarkets who’s kids were “just holy terrors, spoiled brats, misbehaved demon sprouts, and little walking drops of distilled evil” and you thought things like, “Learn to control your child! How about some discipline! Maybe give parenting a shot, you dumbshit!” Well. You will suddenly reach a point (usually around the time your offspring is 2ish) where your anger will turn to pity and understanding. Trust me. But, it’s still not ok to stay in the store when your child is having a meltdown!

* Your bank account will hit all time lows…

* You’ll never ever love another creature as much as you do that kid… (Say it with me, “Awwwwwwwww”!)