I’m feeling good about things. How’s that for a new, refreshing way to start a blog post? Why you might ask? I am on a diet. We are minimizing our material purchases. I work at least 14 hours a day. My back is jacked up – I mean bad jacked up. No, those would seem to be reasons that make me unhappy. Every single one of them does, in fact, make me unhappy.

But, I am trying to look at those very same situations in a new light. I’m losing weight and feel much better about myself. Ok, maybe just a little better – but better is better. I like most of the materials that I currently own so don’t desire for much more. I like the work I do, and feel like I make a difference in a great many arenas. My doctor has just about got my back pain to a controllable level.

Blah blah, right? You might say that I just said the same things in a positive light. Big deal. Well, to me it is!! This is a new thing for me. At least a very long lost discipline. Whatever, I have it back to some extent and the days seem brighter, and filled with hope. I’ll take it!

I hear the question, “Want to grab some coffee from the cafe?” less often. It seems to have been replaced with questions like, “You saved that ziploc bag from lunch that you used for your crackers, right?” … Man how I miss breves…

Heidi is taking the same approach to things as well, and things are feeling a lot better as a whole for this family. Even in light of some events I won’t mention that might otherwise depress us quite a bit. Shut up, I said I won’t mention — stop asking. ;)

We’re both hoping our compasses are pointing in a positive direction and that it might have a positive effect on a certain little boy who looks to us for guidance in this scary world…

OH! Here’s a postscript to contrast this entire post… I over heard Heidi tell Rhys to only take three of the chocolate treats she had made (Buckeyes). I walked out and found the plate in front of Rhys with four chocolate blemishes on it.

That indicated to me that he had eaten four. I had also just heard him say that he was going to go ahead and decide to eat four. That’s his thing lately. Testing authority. Mom quickly shut him down and said “NO! I said three!!” That was before I walked out there..

Anyway, I gave Rhys the “WTF, DUDE!!” look.

He gave me the “OMG SHIT, I’M BUSTED” look and said, “s-o-r-r-y” in a whispered tone…

Then I did the ‘dad thing’ where you shut everything off and tell him to clean up, then I stare into his soul and reduce the poor kid to tears.

Then I hear Heidi say, “OMG Wait!! He only ate three!!” Turns out she had one earlier. The fourth smudge was hers…

I had to apologize and make up with my son and get him to forgive me… He eventually did. I still feel like total shit though. :(

Anyway, good night world. See you tomorrow!

This day, 6 years ago, my daughter died. She had a cold. The world only knew her for 20 days. She came into the world 26 weeks into the pregnancy – three months too soon. Her lungs were a mess. Her heart was not formed right. Her body didn’t have any fat on it. When she was wrenched from my wife’s womb, she was silent.

I was still with fear, shock, amazement, sadness, happiness, and defeat when I saw her for the first time. Before I had a chance to even begin to comprehend what I was feeling, her brother, Rhys, was pulled from the safety of the womb – also three months too soon. He wasn’t in much better shape at all. He did make a sound, however.

My daughter was wisked away before I could even catch a breath. My son was placed in a warmer that was here in the operating room. My wife lay there on the table bleeding more than she should have been. She wasn’t able to see anything that had come to pass, but she was awake laying there behind the curtain and experiencing everything through my face and my actions. I tried to be strong and give her some sense that everything was ok. But it wasn’t. All three of my immediate family were literally dying before my eyes.

When this day started, my wife and I were on the way to go see a movie. :) How different it turned out. They were finally able to stabilize my son and daughter – at least as much as they could. They were able to finally stop the bleeding and patch up my wife.

We stayed three months in the NICU. Everyday we prayed that our twins would be alive the next morning. Almost everyday we woke to find either one of the twins’ neighbors in the NICU gone, or there was a new roommate for them there at the NICU. The term “good day” changed for us during our stay at the NICU. A good day was when our son or daughter didn’t crash. Or maybe there were no brain bleeds. Maybe the brittle bone baby down the way didn’t break a new bone. Maybe that baby who’s parents “couldn’t handle” the reality of the NICU might show up to say hi to their little one instead of asking them to find someone else to deal with it. Maybe one of the babies who didn’t seem to have any visitors at all would finally have someone come in and care about it.

It also gave a new meaning to a “bad day” as well. One day, we received the “call”. Leilani, my daughter, was crashing. The infection that she had was not clearing up, and it was the beginning of the end, we were told. We rushed to the NICU as fast as we could safely travel. We arrived there and my daughter’s nurse was in tears. We were too late. I never got to say goodbye to my little angel. She lay there. Her life was obviously passed on. It’s hard to describe what it felt like. My son was on the other side of the wall and was still a very critically ill little baby.

My first time holding my daughter was after her passing… My wife got to hold her twice. I’m so very glad she was able to do that. I wouldn’t take that away for anything.

I never got to know my daughter, but I know she would have been a powerful force. She would have been beautiful and amazing, I’m quite certain. She touched our hearts deeply in the short time we knew her, and we still miss her terribly to this day…

If you want to donate to the March of Dimes to help fight premature birth and the complications that come of it. We set up a link in Leilani’s name, but didn’t publicize it well. Even if you donate time, or anonymously, that helps. The improvements they’ve made in technology and procedure and education already may have made the difference for Leilani to live had she been born today.

Thanks for letting me get that out. :) See you tomorrow. :) It’s POETS Day!!

Winter is here, and so is our seasonal sickness. My family is not made for the winter season, I’ve concluded, which sucks because we want to move somewhere that has four seasons!

Rhys’ ear infections came back. Looks like one of his ear tubes has already fallen out. The other tube is still in place, but the infections still got him. He’s very much like his mom and likes to be out and about. Being couped up at the house doesn’t sit well with him. In addition to that, he’s dealing with some sort of heart problem. He complains of “vibrations” in his chest. Most of the time the go away in seconds, and never more than a minute or two. Problem with that is being able to “see” what’s going on when it happens. His EKG is fine and shows no obviously major issues, so that is good. But, he has been prescribed a heart monitor so that we can record his heart most of the day and hopefully capture one of these events.

Both Heidi and I have been struggling with colds and stomach bugs off an on for a week or two now. Nothing real serious, but it’s making us feel like shit.

What else is news? Little man’s birthday is coming up. Gonna be the big SIXXX! Amazing how quick they grow up… :(

The holidays are upon us. That’s good, right? I’m finding myself a bit depressed tonight… I’m not sure why, but that’s pretty typical of me around this time of year. So, this year, I’m not going to let the crappy, seasonal depression and gloomy bullshit get a grip on me. First and most important reason is that I have plenty to be thankful for and happy about. I think this blog will be a perfect place for me to remind myself of all the good things going on. I’m going to try to stop in here every other day or three during the holidays and write about good things.

Let’s see! I have a ton to be thankful for, no doubt. I’m gonna pick a few to remind myself about today.

My family. I have a wonderful support system in my family. “Family” is defined by common goals, shared experiences, and commitment in addition to the obvious blood related definitions. I’m thankful that I’ve been lucky enough to have such a wonderful family. You all know who you are. I’m thankful that I’ve been able to share my life with such wonderful people who seek to build me up and who will always be there when I need someone.

Good employment. We are in tough economic times right now all over the world, and I am one of the lucky ones to still have employment. I have friends who are not employed right now, and friends who’s job takes them to foreign countries where their lives are threatened each day. Things could definitely be much worse, and I know it.

Are you feeling the holiday blues creeping up on you? Try to think of something positive, and write it down. :) It just might help. This post is already helping me feel better. :)

Happy Holidays!!

Today I left the house while my son was crying because he missed me. Nothing really stops you in your tracks like that. I had to step back and assess what’s going on in my life. I’m very busy with my moonlighting (more on that in another post) these days and since there are only 24 hours in the day, something has to give. Lately it’s been sleep and family time.

So, I made Wednesdays the official day of play. My son nodded that this was a good thing but the tears were still there. I’m not one to give him whatever he wants, but I think one devoted day amongst the other days, where he gets maybe an hour of daddy time lately, maybe is not too much to give. We’ve also been doing this thing where we go to the park on Saturday mornings. He gets to ride his bike, Heidi gets to walk, and I get to study. It’s getting a bit cold here lately, so not sure how much longer this will last.

That’s all for now. I just wanted to vent a little about how much I miss my family. I work so much because I love them so much, but it’s a bit of a catch 22.

Wow, I remember when I used to actually blog. Before the onslaught of the Everyman’s blog on MySpace and Facebook. Not that I was any good at it, but I was better about the frequency of useless crap I’d post up here. YEP! You guessed it: ANOTHER OMG-I-Haven’t-Blogged-In-Forever post.

So, there you have it. I haven’t blogged in forever, blah blah blah blah I want to post more often, blah blah blah, <insert joke about how few readers I have> yadda yadda yadda. The probable reality is that I will likely not update for another huge stretch of time, but I really do want to try!!

So, what’s been going on in our lives for those of you who don’t know? Rhys is five freakin years old now! Insane! It seems like only yesterday that we were going through all the bullshit in the NICU, and then all the stupid ass therapy sessions. I say that because it was a pain, not because they aren’t professionals or anything. Those folks really were a godsend. But, again, so long ago… Looking at him now you’d not know he had all those issues. You clearly see all of my crazy on him, peppered with mom’s crazy too, but you’d dismiss it as normal and maybe mumble something about “poor kid”.

I still have a wonderful job at Cogswells Cogs ;) and am loving almost every minute of it. :) I’ve recently taken to ramping up my side businesses in the form of a second job since this economy is in the toilet. Boy, am I glad Obama passed that stimulus package. Can you imagine how bad it would be if he hadn’t? Whew. Thanks Mr. Obama, you rock like Chopin on tranqs.

And on that note, I’m gonna get back to work, and hopefully blog just a bit more often. :) Hope all is well out there in Happyland!