This day, 6 years ago, my daughter died. She had a cold. The world only knew her for 20 days. She came into the world 26 weeks into the pregnancy – three months too soon. Her lungs were a mess. Her heart was not formed right. Her body didn’t have any fat on it. When she was wrenched from my wife’s womb, she was silent.

I was still with fear, shock, amazement, sadness, happiness, and defeat when I saw her for the first time. Before I had a chance to even begin to comprehend what I was feeling, her brother, Rhys, was pulled from the safety of the womb – also three months too soon. He wasn’t in much better shape at all. He did make a sound, however.

My daughter was wisked away before I could even catch a breath. My son was placed in a warmer that was here in the operating room. My wife lay there on the table bleeding more than she should have been. She wasn’t able to see anything that had come to pass, but she was awake laying there behind the curtain and experiencing everything through my face and my actions. I tried to be strong and give her some sense that everything was ok. But it wasn’t. All three of my immediate family were literally dying before my eyes.

When this day started, my wife and I were on the way to go see a movie. :) How different it turned out. They were finally able to stabilize my son and daughter – at least as much as they could. They were able to finally stop the bleeding and patch up my wife.

We stayed three months in the NICU. Everyday we prayed that our twins would be alive the next morning. Almost everyday we woke to find either one of the twins’ neighbors in the NICU gone, or there was a new roommate for them there at the NICU. The term “good day” changed for us during our stay at the NICU. A good day was when our son or daughter didn’t crash. Or maybe there were no brain bleeds. Maybe the brittle bone baby down the way didn’t break a new bone. Maybe that baby who’s parents “couldn’t handle” the reality of the NICU might show up to say hi to their little one instead of asking them to find someone else to deal with it. Maybe one of the babies who didn’t seem to have any visitors at all would finally have someone come in and care about it.

It also gave a new meaning to a “bad day” as well. One day, we received the “call”. Leilani, my daughter, was crashing. The infection that she had was not clearing up, and it was the beginning of the end, we were told. We rushed to the NICU as fast as we could safely travel. We arrived there and my daughter’s nurse was in tears. We were too late. I never got to say goodbye to my little angel. She lay there. Her life was obviously passed on. It’s hard to describe what it felt like. My son was on the other side of the wall and was still a very critically ill little baby.

My first time holding my daughter was after her passing… My wife got to hold her twice. I’m so very glad she was able to do that. I wouldn’t take that away for anything.

I never got to know my daughter, but I know she would have been a powerful force. She would have been beautiful and amazing, I’m quite certain. She touched our hearts deeply in the short time we knew her, and we still miss her terribly to this day…

If you want to donate to the March of Dimes to help fight premature birth and the complications that come of it. We set up a link in Leilani’s name, but didn’t publicize it well. Even if you donate time, or anonymously, that helps. The improvements they’ve made in technology and procedure and education already may have made the difference for Leilani to live had she been born today.

Thanks for letting me get that out. :) See you tomorrow. :) It’s POETS Day!!

Tomorrow the new year will officially start. At least in the normal sense. I will get up in the morning, outfit myself in my corporate battle gear, grab a coffee to nourish me as I march into battle, and head out the door to conquer code. There will be no bloodshed, but sometimes it feels like it. As much as that sounds like I’m not looking forward to getting back to things, I do. I’ve had a nice 16 day vacation and now it’s time to see what we can do in 2010.

There are a lot of irons in the fire. Some will have to go, and some will need stoking. Heidi is a lot more involved in these projects this year as well. It’s going to be a great year for our collaborative efforts I think. We make a great team with things like this.

So far the diet is going well. It’s a little painful and annoying, but not too much. This is the pace I want to keep and maybe this will allow me to make an actual lifestyle change. The main theme of the diet seems to be cutting back sugars and serving sizes. Makes a whole lot of sense to me. Hopefully soon I will be skinnier, feel better about myself, have more energy, and just generally look better…

We’re starting the year off right. We eliminated our car problems, are getting in shape, have brand new OSes on our workstations and media center, organized our garage, and have our eyes on the ball.

Bring it 2010, we’re ready to kick your ass into 2011. ;)

Here it is again. The new year. It’s going to be the best one yet, right? I’m so tired of saying that every year… I always say, “man… at least next year will be better…” I want to say it one last time… So here we go: This year is going to be awesome!!

Ok, I said it. Now how do I make that happen? I have a list of things I want to make happen, but the trick is to hold myself accountable.

One of the things that this blog is going to help me with is creativity. I feel like my creativity is tapped, and this blog has always been a creative outlet for me. Nothing groundbreaking by any stretch, but it should serve as a mental exercise, and I think that is as important as the physical exercises we do…

Which brings me to another accountability. I just weighed in. ;) 211 lbs, and 30.6 BF. Holy cheese and crackers, Batman! I found a neat idea at One Man’s Blog that I’m gonna participate in. Today is day one of the HealthyChallenge! Let’s do this! Time to bring those numbers down!

So, for accountability’s sake, here’s the two most important things for 2010.

1) Get healthy. Bring my weight down to the 170′s and bring my fat content down to the teens (is that possible?).

2) Get creative again! My mind feels paralyzed lately. Like someone has filled my head with mental concrete, and I can’t move. I need to shake that funk off and get back in the game!

What are your goals and resolutions? What are you going to do going forward this year?

Winter is here, and so is our seasonal sickness. My family is not made for the winter season, I’ve concluded, which sucks because we want to move somewhere that has four seasons!

Rhys’ ear infections came back. Looks like one of his ear tubes has already fallen out. The other tube is still in place, but the infections still got him. He’s very much like his mom and likes to be out and about. Being couped up at the house doesn’t sit well with him. In addition to that, he’s dealing with some sort of heart problem. He complains of “vibrations” in his chest. Most of the time the go away in seconds, and never more than a minute or two. Problem with that is being able to “see” what’s going on when it happens. His EKG is fine and shows no obviously major issues, so that is good. But, he has been prescribed a heart monitor so that we can record his heart most of the day and hopefully capture one of these events.

Both Heidi and I have been struggling with colds and stomach bugs off an on for a week or two now. Nothing real serious, but it’s making us feel like shit.

What else is news? Little man’s birthday is coming up. Gonna be the big SIXXX! Amazing how quick they grow up… :(

So, I recently bought a new car. I should say I FINALLY bought a new car. This time around we opted for somewhere in between our last purchase methodology.

Two purchases back, we decided to get “awesome” cars, but get them used so we could get them cheap. We’d fix them up and bring them back to life we thought. I bought a ’85 Chevy Corvette. Heidi got a ’89 Jaguar Vanden Plas. Both of these vehicles were our “dream cars”. In reality, these cars SUCKED ass since they were so old. I know, it’s a shocker. We dumped so much money into these things it wasn’t even funny.

The last purchase we made, we opted to go the economical, responsible, and reliable route. We both purchased ’01 Hyundai Elantra GTs. They were reliable. They had 10 year warranties. They were brand spanking new! They were paid off! We paid cash on the barrel for those bad boys. It was fun! We felt like we were the smartest people on the planet. In reality this wasn’t a terrible choice, but it wasn’t the best either. At least for me, I didn’t “like” my car. I just knew it was “smart”. Anyway, I beat the shit out of my car. In it’s defense it handled it pretty well. But, we learned that warranties are only as valuable as the company that backs them. Jim Click here in Tucson SUCKS. Take that to the bank, Jimmy!

Paying cash spoiled us. No car payments for 8 years, and the only way out of those cars was to take on a car payment. When repairs for those cars started amounting to $8,000 a year, we thought it would be a good idea to look at new vehicles. In fact, our mechanics sat us down and said, “Dude… Get rid of those cars. We feel bad taking all this money from you.” That was a pretty good red flag for us to go check it out.

We took our beaters down to Car Max. Heidi drove off with an ’08 Ford Focus, and I drove off in an ’05 Mazda RX-8. Slightly used, but in great shape. We both LOVE our cars for different reasons now. And the car payments are cheaper than the repairs on the older cars we had. Win Win, baby!

The holidays are upon us. That’s good, right? I’m finding myself a bit depressed tonight… I’m not sure why, but that’s pretty typical of me around this time of year. So, this year, I’m not going to let the crappy, seasonal depression and gloomy bullshit get a grip on me. First and most important reason is that I have plenty to be thankful for and happy about. I think this blog will be a perfect place for me to remind myself of all the good things going on. I’m going to try to stop in here every other day or three during the holidays and write about good things.

Let’s see! I have a ton to be thankful for, no doubt. I’m gonna pick a few to remind myself about today.

My family. I have a wonderful support system in my family. “Family” is defined by common goals, shared experiences, and commitment in addition to the obvious blood related definitions. I’m thankful that I’ve been lucky enough to have such a wonderful family. You all know who you are. I’m thankful that I’ve been able to share my life with such wonderful people who seek to build me up and who will always be there when I need someone.

Good employment. We are in tough economic times right now all over the world, and I am one of the lucky ones to still have employment. I have friends who are not employed right now, and friends who’s job takes them to foreign countries where their lives are threatened each day. Things could definitely be much worse, and I know it.

Are you feeling the holiday blues creeping up on you? Try to think of something positive, and write it down. :) It just might help. This post is already helping me feel better. :)

Happy Holidays!!